The Trauma...

Okay, so dude across from me on the tube last night untied his shoes and slipped them off a little. His ass was getting comfortable. So what did I do? I undid my bra - I had on like three layers so it wasn't obvious. No, I wasn't flirting with him but damn it if he could get comfortable why they hell shouldn't I?? And boy, did it feel good.


This is harsh but this big girl got on the tube with gray leopard print tights on and - yes I am going to say it - her legs looked like an elephant with eczema!



Standing in line for my lamb wrap today I got not one but two full moon flashes! Why I gotta see your ass crack while I'm waiting for my wrap??? The first time was an accident...the second time, yo ass is just nasty! And why dude look special anyway?? He looks like someone's cousin who can't get a regular job cuz "no one but family" understands him.....naw, his ass is special in the clinical sort of way. Why he scary??!?!?!?!

Big women

Come on now......what am I a freaking target?? I have never been thin but why is it big women wanna come sit next to me wheb there are a crap load of other seats?!?!?!? What do I look like I can protect you?!?!? I'm a new yorker not superman!

And today isn't the first time. But why this grown woman come and shove herself into the seat next to me when almost the whole row across from me was empty?!!?!?

Then I move and guess what?  I'm sitting across from a guy who has a twitch and looks like a good candidate for PTSD. What a day!

Shit I see on the tube

Okay so this kid has to be at minimum 14 years old and he sat un my face picking his nose! If that wasn't enough his finger went from his nose to his mouth in seconds.....TWICE! You nasty little summama so-and-so! He was eating boogers for real! Eeeeeeewwww! How is it that none of your friends or family ever noticed that nasty ass habit and stop you from doing it. He got the booger touch.

Mr dude that wears shades on the tube even when we're underground or there is no sun.....hmmm, really?

Pardon me Mr Alfred Hitchcock look alike,  I was just wondering when was the last time you saw your junk without using a mirror.

Hey Ms lady ma'am, how did you find shoes the color of your skin?  That's crazy.

Hey red bone? You're giving your suit stretch marks. Unbutton your jacket fool!

Hey lady with the different synthetic pony tail every couple of days? #no #justno

Children

Was there some independent research commissioned that now says it's safe to allow your child to run up and down a moving train car? Did I miss the memo?

And when did schools stop teaching students about inside voices?  Was it around the time teachers became afraid of students?  Or was it when teachers stopped being required to be able to speak good English? I wonder.......

Yo....

Why shorty's dad told him to stop and not go in the store and he turned around and said "I said, wait a minute I wanna see something"?!?!??!? For real??? Your kid gets to talk to you like that???? He might as well have smacked you in the face and snatched your wallet!!!

Why did this 6 year old little boy in the doctor's office stand at the water dispenser just pressing the button and when his mother came to get him he threw himself on the floor???? Uh, it looked like he needed a trip to the bathroom. Shorty was screaming in the doctor's office and his  mamma didn't even hit him! He was just acting a fool, having water all over the place, laughing while he's pressing the button on the water dispenser.

Is it just me or are parents getting lazier?? There seems to be a serious lack of activity in controlling children. I find it hilarious when a child is running wild and coming toward me and I look for the parent who is looking at me like I'm supposed to stop their child.

The other thing that is funny to me are the ones who are standing on the curb about to cross the street but are on their cell (mobile) phones and the kids are playing around. When you try to tell their kids to back up, they get made at you?!?!?!? Word?!?!? I hope you're not looking for witnesses when shorty gets run over.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.....what has the world come to??

Eewwww

I'm sorry....wait no I'm not. This ad is just gross!

Silly shit

Hey grandma???? I know you might think having three generations of women in your family all dressed in velour Baby Phat sweat (track) suits is cute,  but you're wrong. YOU'RE WRONG!!!!

And why the hell is your hair still pink at your age??? Grow up! Your whole debacle of a family look like live welfare adds!               

Excuse me lady but you look offends me. Why the hell is your ponytail a different color and texture from the rest of your hair?  It ain't yours, that's why!!!! #fail Learn to match your hair pieces for goodness sake. #getgrown

Hey Mr Black Man, why you gotta give me a raised eyebrow when I sat down? I didn't sit here cuz you're Black. I sat here cuz you look like you're about to get up and I want your seat.  Bye!

Come on lady, cover your damn mouth. That shit ain't cute.

I'm going to be late for work and all I can think about is how much I'd rather just ride the train and write about people. #prioritiesaskew

Tubular ravings part 3

So, I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that everyone every morning on every tube line I've ridden is running late. I mention it because that is the only time that it is acceptable to squeeze onto a painfully crowded train but these ppl do it every morning without fail.

This morning a guy, quite a big guy, kind of barrels into the train with a big backpack on and starts pushing through,  no excuse me,  pardon me or anything. How rude!!!!

Is it bad that I like it when ppl get hit by the closing doors? It is,  isn't it?  Oh well! You shouldn't be squeezing yourself into little corners completely inconveniencing other ppl.

I remember once this lady got on after me and squeezed herself in. (If you've never been on a London tube, the doors are curved so ppl bend themselves to  fit in) I was so fit to be tied because I had to cram in that even when the train cleared enough for me to move and give her some relief I didn't. I made her stand there until she got off and blocked her every attempt to get out of that corner. Was it mean?  Hell yes but so was her inconsiderate squeezing. These trains run every 2 minutes or less in the morning!

You know what else I hate?  When on a crowded train I move to get someone out of my personal space and they move every time I move!  I mean,  I'm not moving to give you more space!  My answer,  whenever they do that, lean my head away and turn my nose up as though they smell. Take that space hoggers!

Hey lady?!?!? That wasn't a big ass bump in the floor it was my foot and yes I did just kick you back - to answer the look on your face.

Hey dude with the big backpack?!?! That's my face behind you, thanks and no I will not hesitate to push you!

Why do people here see you approach the doors to get off and stand there like you can evaporate through them??? They don't hear excuse me then scoff when you push through the group of dumb asses blocking the doorway!

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

When in a busy tube station you ignore big bold signs every 3 feet that say "keep left" and you make the decision to go right into oncoming foot traffic,  an elbow in the gut or getting smacked by my oversized bag is the least you deserve. #thatisall

Feet

Okay, I've tried for days not to post this one but there are some things that just need to be said.

Feet (in general)
- if your feet smell like you got gangrene, keep your shoes on
- if you have calluses on the top of your feet, wear enclosed shoes
- if athlete's foot is not a disorder for you but a chronic disease, you need to see a professional
- if there is hair sprouting from your toes that's long enough to braid #stopit
- if your toe nails look like I would need a meat cleaver to cut them #nasty
- 

Sandals: um,

- if your heel looks like someone pasted plastic snow on them, you should not wear sandals
- if your toes look like you let your dog use them as a chew toy or someone hated you enough to bang them all with a hammer - repeatedly, you should not have on sandals
- if you have a growth - aka a bunion - on the side of you foot that looks like another damn toe, you should not have on sandals
- if you cannot be bothered to put on lotion, you should not have on sandals,


Now I know we can't all afford weekly or even bi weekly pedicures but damn! At least buy a pumice stone, or a filer or a ped-egg or something to take to them bad boys before you start showing them off to the world

Peep toe:

- now ladies I know that in a hurry you might be tempted to only polish the toes that will be seen but if that is the case keep your damn shoes on so no one is the wiser. SMDH, I swear, I man come on ladies, get grown with it. You cannot be half stepping on the personal upkeep
- FYI, if your visible toes have scuff marks on the bottom then chances are you've outgrown those peep toes
- if your big toes is the size of Nebraska to the point where only it can fit through the peep toe creating bumps in the rest of your shoe because the rest of your toes are crammed all up in there, damn and ew, you will have corns #drschollstotherescue

Red toe nail polish
#aint4everybody

Flip flops:
People regardless of what you believe, these need to be washed once in a while and why they hell your feet look like you've been walking barefoot #fail

Cankles:
#juststopit, #rightnow

Toenail:
Who the hell gets tips on their damn toe nails anyway??? Who the hell thought up that ignorant mess? I mean really? Do they need to curve? That's why your shoes don't fit, you gotta buy 'em 2 sizes too big to fit those claws in there

Shoes:
Ladies when you can see the bumps of your corns on the outside of the shoe it's time to do two things
- get rid of that old ass shoe and
- invest in dr. scholl's corn removers

Ladies, it's getting sad to see men wearing heels better than us. I mean, seriously, you're walking on the side of the shoe! Surely, you realize that ain't normal! Yo ass wasn't born bow-legged #stopit #rightthisinstant
People once they get holes in them, if you can't afford some glue to repair them or be able to replace them, just go barefoot. It's alot less embarrassing. I don't want to watch your shoes try to talk to me as you walk

Sneakers:
I remember growing up the only people who wore sneakers with Velcro straps were either elderly, had learning difficulties, or were those special kids in class who hadn't learned how to tie them yet. When did Velcro become an adult style? The only sneakers you should have on with Velcro straps are Reebok's or Nike and no one actually uses them, they just hang off to the side! #overit

Socks:
Wear them #yeahi'mtalkingtoyou

And finally, to the population of women in London: BLACK TIGHTS DO NOT GO WITH FREAKING EVERYTHING!!!!!

Thanks for listening, muah!

Oh, and stop this shit......

The problem with summer.....

FUNK! #thatisall

Tubular Ravings Part 2

Excuse me sir standing in front of me on the tube hanging onto the bar above me.... Why I gotta stare at your belly button sunk into your gut as it overflows your jeans???? That's gross!! Pull down your effin shirt!

Hey kid with your short sleeved shirt buttoned all the way up to the top, no name brand kicks (sneakers), non official fitted...those Beats by Dr. Dre headphones....yeah, you're still a dork. LOL!!!!

Hey Asian dud, you're prettier than me, and...wait....is that GLOSS?!?!?!? #nobueno

Hey dude with the Beats by Dr. Dre headphones on, I bet you think it's cool that you found a pair that matched your jacket exactly? #fail
And you look over 40 - #epicfail #getgrown

To the Ladies.....

Now anyone who knows me knows I hate gold shoes on principle. I mean, who

made these things popular? Who said "you know what, we have every other color shoe, now we need gold"? I don't care who's wearing them gold shoes are an atrocity that should have never been conceived. It's wrong I tell you! And, not only did girlfriend today have on gold shoes, they were gold and GLITTERY!!! WTH?!?!?!!? Who told you they were cute? Yeah, you got a right to where what you like but I have a right not to have to go back and have my laser surgery done again because I'm blinded by the foolishness you put on your feet!

The only thing worse than gold shoes, and is unfortunately something else I see on a daily basis in the capital, is black or any dark tights/stockings and white/cream/beige or any light colored shoe. This looks positively insane!! Back in the day you could count on this being something that only a crazy aunt who was losing her mind and having conversations with her 8 year old Dachsund doing!! There wouldn't be young, seemingly reasonable women who did this. And why would you, it's wrong. I mean it used to be a well known fashion faux pas. I actually read online that doing this was a good thing and someone commented how beautiful the contrasts is....no it ain't!!!!! This shit looks re-re. It's wrong! You might be able to get away with sheer black stockings and light colored shoes and that's a big might but the women that do this foolishness don't do that, they wear thick black tight.....grrrrrrrr

Along these lines is the the wearing of white shoes all year long. I'm sorry but no. Not on women, and damn sure not on men. I am an American living in London but this is still a valid rule. If any non Americans read this here is the rule: no white shoes before Memorial Day (the last Monday of May) or after Labor Day (first Monday in September). Please I get the only skin crawly crack itch when I see this madness, especially when the culprit is wearing dark socks, stockings or tights!!! STOP IT!! Right this instant!! STOP IT!!!!!

And fellas, the white shoes with the curled toe.....HELL NO!! Stop this foolishness immediately!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I'm drowning in a sea "OH HELL NAW"!!!! Help me!!!!!!

Look at this shit....

Now, I don't drive but does that I mean I need to be punished for accepting the convenience of public transportation and saving the environment by not putting another gas guzzling hazard on the road???

Do I really need to be exposed to funk so pungent it can only be described as 90 day old chicken grease and fat backs?

Should I be exposed to wigs that look like the woman is a low budget whore? (Low budget whore because judging by the build up of lint and the mat that's forming on the back of her head she was obviously nailed to an old shag carpet and pounded until her insides were obliterated and and the back of her head resembled said carpet)

Why they hell I gotta listen to you and your kid's conversation??? WTF, I'm all the way on the top level of the bus!!! You should've told her what time she should have been home before she left the house this morning!!

And, oh, seriously Mr. Bus Driver Man, I'm standing at the door. Did it give you some strange sense of power and control to close it in my face? We all know your wife beats you and takes your check so the only way you can feel like a man (cuz you can't hit her or you'll be living on half your pay for the rest of your life) is to shut the door in people's faces. I know your game. That's why I'm half your age and make twice your salary... see how that works.

To the lady that got on the train in front of me when I had obviously been waiting longer than you, your boyfriend looks like someone kicked him in the teeth from inside his mouth, your shoes make your feet look like he uses those horse teeth to chew on your toes and HA!!! I got the damn seat before you anyway, skank.

Tubular ravings - Oh the horror! Part 1

To the girl with the bad weave, wig or whatever that madness was.....
I don't know what you were thinking when you stepped out of your house with those drawn on eyebrows and the weave that looked like you had to rip it from the claws of your cats as they were fighting over it, but damn, girl! Really??!?!?

Did you actually look in the mirror and not see the hot mess I saw?? And no, honey, gelling down the sides of the hot mess so that it is pasted to your temples did not make that rag top look any better! You look straight crazy and I bet you have a job as something visible like retail or beautician. I wouldn't trust you to draw an outline for paper dolls let alone do someone's make up. I mean, for real. Who told you that looked good?

If it was your family, they don't love you.....

It is was your friends, they don't like you....

If none of them said anything and looked away as you walked passed, then you're just bloody clueless.


To the Ricardo Montalban wannabe....
Your head is too damn big for the effin hair cut! Your barber sucks big huge monkey balls


To the dude with the leather members only jacket with what looked liked boy scout badges on it......
Not only am I giving you the Black girl "I don't believe this shit" side eye but when your hair style makes you look like you're wearing a toupee only two words come to mine "dumb ass"

To the poor unfortunate lady who's hair line has receeded to the middle of her scalp.....
Sweetheart that's what headbands are for and you can get them for cheap. I swear looking at that lady I wanted to walk up to her, tap her on the shoulder and ask "yo, how you do that??" I know it's wrong, the poor woman probably has some kind of disorder but damn lady, you may not care but there are just some things that I will not be able to forget. Think about the rest of us when you come out looking like that. People are just selfish.

To the guy who was watching me on the tube when I was smiling because I was thinking all the above horrible things about people.....
No I wasn't smiling at you #whenkeepingitrealgoeswrong, Dang, he was actually kinda cute...